I didn’t realize how many one-sided talks I have with myself. I never paid attention to how I speak to myself, in my head. One day I did. I never knew I was insecure. My whole life I thought insecurity was not liking how you looked, being sad about your physical appearance, I thought it only concerned the outside. So I’ve fooled myself to believe that I’m not insecure, so it wasn’t something I needed to deal with. “You can’t heal what you don’t reveal” at it’s finest. Now I know that insecurity is deeper than that. It’s not being certain. It’s doubtful. It’s not confident. It’s feeling undeserving. It plays out in everything you do.
I remember the first time someone told me I may be insecure. I was in a relationship and I was venting to someone about how I felt being in my relationship, they listened, unbiased. They were able to see both sides. He looked at me, and said Jas, I think you’re insecure. I was like WHAT? Me? Hell naaaahhhhhhh, I love me. I’m okay with how I look. I’m good, ion know you talkin’ bout. Then asked me why I did the things I did? Why did I feel the need to handle certain situations how I did? What was my thought process behind my actions. I still wrote it off and I continued my life. I wasn’t ready to think that struggled with how I viewed myself. I wasn’t ready to take responsibility of my actions. I liked believing that I was reacting according to how I was being treated, and not acting off how I felt about me. Recently I started actually listening to myself though. When I looked in the mirror, I paid attention to my initial thought. I realized how afraid I was to lose people, because of me. I noticed how personal I took everything. I can’t take criticism, not because I think I’m perfect, but because I think I’m so flawed. I realized that sometimes I push people away because I psych myself to believe I don’t deserve them. I don’t think I deserve amazing things. I’ve checked my thinking, I see how my mind works. I see that sometimes I’m self-sabotaging. All of my bad thoughts manifest into bad habits. I’m only operating at the capacity that I’ve made myself believe I can.
Now that I’m aware of these self inflicted wounds, I’m changing my own narrative. I’m beginning to believe that I am more than enough. I’m working towards security. I am who I am, and that may not be enough for everyone I encounter, and that’s okay, but the goal is to be enough for me. Reconstructing your thinking can be hard, I mean you’re basically changing who you’ve been for years. But just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s truth. You’ve MADE what you think your reality. The same power we have to tear ourselves down and convince ourselves we’re not as good enough, is the same power we have to convince ourselves otherwise. I know now that I’ve used my power to be what I want the wrong way. I’ve used it negatively. I’ve used my mind to manifest insecurity. Now I know that my mind is the one in control, I think it, and I act accordingly. So it all starts there, my thoughts.
I want you to start paying attention to what you think about yourself. Journal Prompt: What do you think about you? Take an entire day to listen to your thoughts, write down specific negative thoughts, and then journal about your observation. Replace your negative with positive thoughts. Use your negative ideas about yourself to make a list of affirmations. I struggle with insecurity, so I speak confidence. I speak being deserving and being powerful. Have you noticed that when you say to yourself, I’m going to have a good day, you actually do? Have you also noticed that when you say, today’s not going to be good, it actually is a sucky day? It’s because what we tell ourselves is how we’re going to perceive everything. When you have negative thoughts, you’re going to have negative perceptions, which will only confirm what you thought in the first place. In psychology they call this confirmation bias. This is real. We have to be mindful of how we think ladies. Check yaself before you wreck yaself. Take time for you sis! You’ll appreciate it.